Friday 23 January 2015

Sorry Mummy......

I think having children has changed me. I know that is not really a surprising or profound observation but rather an acknowledgement of the journey I have been on over the past 2 and a bit years.

I remember as we were eagerly awaiting the arrival of our daughter Adella, Adam and I would regularly chat about the type of parents we wanted to be,  the hopes we had for our children and the values we wanted to bestow upon them.

I began writing letters to Adella during this period and recently reflected on how I felt at the time. As I reread my initial words to my unborn daughter the sentiment still rang true;

-I hope that you will always feel loved and cherished for who you are and your uniqueness is celebrated
-I hope that you will have the confidence to be true to yourself and the conviction to do what you know is right
- Never be afraid to dream big, never hide your uniqueness and always be brave enough to try

Over two years has passed since we welcomed vivacious Adella into the world and in a short time she has made quite an impression on all whom she comes into contact with. She exudes joy, goes to the beat of her own drum and has no fear.

She is fiercely independent, believes she CAN do all this  and at times this can lead to much frustration,  (both for Adella and myself), she is the protector of her brother and at times kills him with kindness and love.

Not a day goes by when she hasn't made us laugh, given us cause for a heart attack or a reason to pull our hair out but we wouldn't have it any other way.

Recently though I was challenge by something she said . Two little words that had such a profound impact on me that I was left feeling exposed and needing to make some changes.

Adella had been happily playing in the garden when out of the blue she looked up at me with her compassionate eyes and sweetly said "Sorry Mummy"...... This shocked me as she had not done anything that warranted an apology, nor was I quite sure why she felt she needed to ask for my forgiveness.

I had not heard her  mutter those words ever and began to wonder where she had picked them up from. I pondered this for only a few moments and then it hit me.... Adella was modelling off one of the most significant people in her life.... Her Mummy.... Me.

This caused me to reflect:

I have always been a bit of a nervy person and can attribute this probably to caring or feeling too much. I can identify aspects of myself as a child in Adella, I too loved life and was quite silly, I had moments of over confidence but also held a bit of anxiety which I unfortunately have carried through. I had a tendency to be a bit clumsy and felt the need to routinely apologise in case I messed up or broke something, I never wanted to get anyone upset, or let anyone down and felt that things out of my control were perhaps my fault. Upon reflection as an adult I can remember times that I apologised for things that now seem ridiculous and somewhat humorous, even one day apologising for the weather..... I wouldn't put it past me if I have subconsciously apologised for breathing.

However this was no longer about how it had affected me, but how now it would have an impact on my precious one and her interactions with others if I didn't take some serious action.
Now was the time to stop apologising and start living.... If not for me but for her.. I want her to take life with both hands and not be limited in any capacity. I want her to feel nurtured and have no need to unnecessarily  feel the need to apologise for things that are not in her control or her worry.

 I am thankful for this opportunity for reflection but know that this path called "parenthood" will be littered with similar learning curves and sometimes challenging pot holes that will make me reflect, at times question my own beliefs actions, but provide me opportunities to change.. If not initially for myself but for her.

As I return to my original letter to my unborn daughter it ends...

"May I have the strength and ability to guide you, nurture your strengths, comfort you in times of trouble and be the role model that you need me to be. Know, I will always give you my best. "

x Grace





2 comments:

Unknown said...

Lovely post Grace! Enjoy every messy moment with your "littles"...they grow up so fast!

Unknown said...

Thanks Michelle, I try to savour every moment.. knowing that being little doesn't last forever. will have to get some tips from you about blogging!