Versions of Me

 Much has happened since my last post. Funny That...

 I recently reintroduced myself to the world of One Retro Mummy page after a long period of neglect and re-lived all her highs and lows, triumphs and laughable failures. What struck me the most was although I had not forgotten those moments, I felt in a way I was looking into the mirror of someone I no longer fully recognised. A different versions of me.

Not a better or worse version, just different....

Funny how time does that.

My children have grown, Wild Heart is now 5 years old... full of wonder and excitement about the prospect of starting a new chapter in her life next year called Kindergarten. She loves fiercely, feels intensely and is training to be the next Karate Kid.

Blonde Hair Viking with a chipped tooth aka "the silent assassin"  is 3.5 years old.... He loves his mummy, getting into mischief, collecting worms and his favourite bedtime story is The Women's Weekly Cookbook.

My little Wildling is 18 months old. She will conquer the world by her 2nd Birthday. With no fear, a bucket full of sass and a take no prisoners attitude, her dad and I feel confident she will be the one who will give us a run for our money.


At the beginning of the year I came across a song which really spoke to where I am at. Funnily enough it was called "Versions of Me". 

Hey meet the versions of me, not sure which I'm supposed to be
A daughter a mother, a lover, a friend
I don't how to be 'em all yet.
Tell me how to survive, can I be them at the same time
Hey meet the versions of me, not sure which I'm supposed to be
But I'm learning every day that each me is ok

Sometimes I try so hard I gotta be perfect
I climb I fall and break haven't I learned it
That's it's alright If I'm not alright
Taking it one day at a time
I'm fine with every single version of me
Spent time wondering why, who I am doesn't seem to be right
Too loud, too smart, too big, too bright
Defined through someone else's eyes.
Gotta find my own stride, gotta find it on the inside
Hey meet the versions of me, we get along and we disagree
But I'm learning every day that each me is ok
 
Bending in a million ways
Pulling till ends are frayed
I'm unravelled I'm ok
It's ok
I won't break
Sometimes I try so hard I gotta be perfect
I climb I fall and break haven't I learned it
That's it's alright If I'm not alright
Taking it one day at a time
I'm fine with every single version of me

Recently I took the kids on a day trip to a lovely old town called Chiltern. During this visit at the request of my little fella, we found ourselves exploring an old junk shop, scouring the boxes of bottles, spare parts, odds and ends for personal treasures. My little Wildling Eleanor clearly did not share the same passion for this activity as her siblings however found great delight waving and blowing kisses to the elderly gentleman "Ned" who owned the store and was sitting at the entrance reading his paper. The gentleman began to return air kisses and laugh hysterically with a noticeable twinkle in his eye. Introductions were made and we shared an unexpectantly meaningful interaction covering multiple areas of life, finding meaning and the importance of family. When exiting he gave a simple farewell followed by a statement which held much meaning. " You have beautiful chaos there, the best time of your life. Cherish it because one day it will be a distant memory".

So in closing I will say this,

Do I have it more together... No
Have I worked out how to have the perfect balance between work/life? No
Am I less sleep deprived? No
Has looking after 3 little people got much easier? No

But the lesson that I have learnt is this "Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful".  I am learning each day that each version of me is ok. More than ok.

I will continue to share my stories on this page with honesty, humour and reflection. The highs, lows, frustrations and joys in all their glory.. For in sharing our stories we are able to connect with each other and bring greater meaning to this funny thing called life.

X Grace

I'll let you in on a little secret.... Parenting sucks a lot of the time!

 

 

 

 

Wine is in hand, kids have been gifted with an early bed time and I feel it is time to time speak some truth. No instagram filters, no photo shop, no gloss.

 

A LOT of the time parenting sucks. It is seriously time we were open about this.

Parenting can be brutal. There are real moments where you could be forgiven for mistaking parenting with a really shit job because the features are quite similar. Overworked, no overtime or on call fee, no lunch break, no sick leave, persistent annoying colleagues, minimal recognition, professional development or opportunities for self care. Essentially rotating shift work that never ends.

 

Rest assured, I adore my children and feel very blessed to have them in my world, I have a loving and supportive husband and have a relatively optimistic view of the world. But I feel that as mother's we feel the need to give our reality a social media makeover with extra filters and gloss in order to fit in, to bypass judgement from others, mother's guilt or feeling like a failure. Often due to the negative not being spoken about you can feel like a shit parent, think that everyone else is 'doing' parenting better and begin to doubt your own ability.

 

Why is this? Why is it that in a world where more of my friends  are parents than not, are we all pretending to each other that it’s high fives, cuddles and sweet dreams 24/7? Why do we only share pictures and stories of the glory and none of the hell?

 

It’s not all tears in my wine glass; parenting is also awesome and no parent I know would give back their child, but being in charge of a baby is the hardest thing on the face of the planet.

 

It is not the actual tasks involved in parenting that make it so hard; it’s the absolutely exhausting sleep deprivation that sends you totally insane, and the monotony, and the seemingly unending, repetitious feeding/changing/getting baby to sleep, whinging, toddler tantrums and the realisation that your own needs are so far down the list, and the sadness and futility and depression that this is your life now.

It would be nice if a truer experience of parenting were spoken about publicly. How come none of the books  I read or classes I attended told me to prepare for insanity, emotional rollercoaster or feelings of despair?   And how come they didn’t say that this was normal?

It can be so incredibly isolating when you have kids. People think you are too busy to hang out, but really you are just a slave to these little dictators and their sleeping routines! Personally I no longer know what it is like to relax, or sit in silence as my recently developed  supersonic hearing prevents me from missing a beat.

There’s a loss of identity that comes with parenting: if you are a person who has/had a career that you are interested in continuing, how do you manage that? How do you ‘stay in the game’ without compromising your children/marriage? If you consider going back to work you can be seen as 'too career focussed' and neglectful however if at home you can often feel past it or reached an expiry date professionally.

How do you manage childcare/work/life balance? These are genuine questions that I have grappled with and I know many other mums and dads have too.

By no means am I trying to say that my lot is better or worse than anyone else’s life; I’m trying to say that everyone does it tough with young kids, but never in a million years would I trade my children (however sometimes an auction on ebay is tempting).

So to all of you who are feeling alone and imagining that everyone else is having the time of their lives, think again! We’re all in this together! It is ok to fantasize about running away with the circus, locking yourself in the bathroom with a bottle of wine or aimlessly walk around the supermarket purchasing utter crap to make yourself feel better. Do whatever you need to do to feel reassured, encouraged and not lose your mind.

In light of R U OK day, Here’s an idea: let’s talk openly about the highs AND the lows. Feel free to share something, anything. Go on. It might make you, me, or someone else feel better.

X Grace

A late night trip to Aldi, a popcorn explosion and an orange flag

Last night I found myself in Aldi.

 Funnily enough I didn't have a shopping list, nor was I there to pick up milk and bread. I wasn't selecting a bunch of flowers, bulk mince or imported ciders. I wasn't even lured in by the weekly specials of miscellaneous items that I did not need but yet always convince myself I cannot live without. Snow wear anyone?

Truth been told I was drawn in by a different reason altogether.
Something that I was desperate for, the promise of a few minutes where I could walk aimlessly around the aisles, in silence, have no agenda, no task to complete, no plan, no drama. Aldi was my refuge, promised land if you will and I was going to prolong the experience for as long as possible. Or at least till bath time was over.


So what caused this sudden need for a hideout you might ask?

Enter in a blonde haired Viking with a chipped tooth who I like to call my son Alfie.

Toddler is an age of wonder, humor and meltdowns over gloves and noodles. In fact, toddler is an age where if you don’t or can’t find the humour in all the little things that can go wrong in a day you will end up crying in the corner before breakfast is over.

The day had been similar to many others, nothing over dramatic just the standard activity

6:50am- Bring in the day with song and foot stomping on side of wall
7am-Breakfast- knock over at least 1 litre of milk whilst demanding to make own "coffee" (warm milk with a dash of honey in KeepCup)
9am- Meltdown at a café
9:30am- Visit to a play centre, swim in ball pit, lose dummy
10:30am- Bribing with a lollypop to leave the play centre
10:45am- Bribing with another lollypop and a trip to the car wash to leave the play centre
11am- Trip to the car wash
11:45am- Sushi lunch with an escaping episode to the woman's toilet (demand to sit on toilet and pretend to use toilet, wee on ground)
12:30pm- Nap
2:40pm- Visit the florist to pick up flowers, attempt to drink water out of bucket
3pm- Visit friend- smother friend with kisses and cuddles that resemble a headlock
4:30pm- On way to pick up dad in car throw popcorn packet in air in a celebration of all things Justine Clarke

So as you can see, the usual, uneventful day. Right? Wrong!

For me when 5pm ticks over I tend to let out a sigh of relief. For it acknowledges the achievement of another day completed, another day without any major calamity, safe keeping of dare devil children and the calling in of backup whom I call my husband. However this afternoon, backup had been delayed and I would brave the arsenic hour alone.

So here we were, returning home, ready for the warmth of the gas heater and the entertainment of ABC for kids. As we approached the front door all three children in toe, Mr Viking had a gleam in his eye and a cheeky grin on his face that shouldn't have gone  unnoticed.

Fast forward three minutes and not only was I locked out of my own house. Mr Viking was let loose alone inside, little Miss was screaming her lungs out desperate for a feed and Wild Heart threenager Adella was again channelling her inner drama queen signalling for help with a orange flag off the bicycle trailer completing her self created monologue "we are trapped, we are trapped, come save us" waiting for a standing ovation from the neighbours and those game enough to walk past.

Thank goodness for the white knight we shall call Poppy Ray who entered the scene not on a horse but in a pick up truck to deliver the key which would free us from the living hell we were currently in. Of course he had a smirk on his face and muttered "this is really comical" as he bravely opened the door to discover all the delightful "treats" Mr Viking was yet to deliver.

So as my life has now officially turned into a comedy, my plan of attack was to hide out in Aldi for as long as it took to claw back a sense of control and if it took purchasing loads of miscellaneous crap in the process I think I was well up for the task!

What calamity have you found yourself in of late? I would love to hear

X Grace

Life lessons from a tenacious two year old

Every day is a fresh start
"Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" - L.M. Montgomery.
When you are young, every day feels like an eternity and a new day means new opportunities to make new friends, explore new adventures, learn new things and get up to loads of mischief. Children don't carry baggage from one day to the next. They start fresh, always.

Be courageous and exude joy
Sing out loud. Dance when you feel like it. A child's life feels limitless because they are not confined by fears of failure or humiliation. They march forward with hope and determination because they don't know any better. They haven't been beaten down, they haven't experienced failure. They embrace life and all it has to offer with open arms.

Don't be so serious, Find time to laugh (daily)
A day without laughter is a day wasted. Children have the beautiful ability to find joy all around them. They find humour and silliness everywhere. Squeals of laughter come quick and easy. When they see something silly they don’t edit themselves the way we so often do; they fall over laughing and enjoy the feeling for as long as possible.

Take pleasure in the small, simple things
I am amazed by the pleasure and sheer joy my son can get from simple activities like  playing with Play- Doh or picking up stones in the garden. Isn’t Play-Doh boring for the third straight day in a row? Why are stones so fascinating? While sometimes there seems to be no reasoning as to why he wants to do a certain activity again and again and again, I cannot help but be astonished by the happiness he gets from it.

Love unconditionally
There is nothing better in life, than having a toddler wrap their arms around your neck and announce, “I love you, mummy.” Having a child helped me to realise how important it is to love people unconditionally, and to let them know that you love them as often as you can.

X Grace

Nothing that an early morning bike ride cannot fix

My life has intertangled with three people that at times I feel like there is barely a trace of me. I have become them, as it should, somewhat be.

We know we only have so much time to impart to our children, that time is valuable, we want to make the most of it all.

But there are also times when I can feel a bit lost in the continual juggling act of giving oneself whole heartedly to the role of mother, wife, professional, friend, whilst also making sure I maintain a sense of personal identity, wholeness and balance within my own sense of self.

 I am someone who is passionate, lack patience, creative, adventurous and whole hearted. I am easily led astray by a great idea that I want to bloom now while  fresh in my mind and become frustrated when I am unable to act immediately or have to listen to the voice of reason instead of throwing caution to the wind.

I often get carried away dreaming of lands far away. Of opportunities to get lost in the moment and make memories instead of simply taking photos.

Recently I had felt a little overwhelmed with responsibility and what it really means to be an "adult". I know this sounds a bit juvenile but I guess I had somehow let the pressures/stress of daily life impact on my ability to be joyous, spontaneous and look for opportunities to have fun. I have to remind myself that there is a season for everything and not to get discouraged....

Thankfully I have significant people in my life who listen, make me feel normal and encourage me to take time to recharge when it all gets too much.... I feel extremely fortunate to have these people in my corner and to have moments to recharge, refocus and regain a bit  of perspective!

What do you do to make yourself feel more like yourself?

X Grace

A Letter to Other Working Mothers

Mother's guilt is real. Nearly all of us experience it. We are racked with guilt, feeling that our best isn't good enough. We struggle with necessary choices such as returning to work, and how this will impact on our children's happiness. We mum's feel guilty when we can't afford something for our kids or are nagged by the feeling that we don't spend enough time with them, or when we do we are not 'present' enough.

I believe that all mums, even the most amazing, attentive and committed mums, feel at some point that they are not good enough. Why is this?

Recently in our house there has been a bit of a role reversal and I have returned to near full time work. Even though this decision was made in the best interests of the family unit and to create the best life for my children, I would be lying if I said I don't continually have to work through feels of guilt. Mother's guilt frequently visits me as I prepare my two children for their days at child care. Have I prepared them enough? What happens if they get sick? What happens if I am not there to comfort them when they feel sad?

Mother's guilt isn't going anywhere and we all will be stricken with it at some time or another. But after a month in our new family 'norm' I have discovered some home truths;

- As long as a child feels loved and secure they will be ok
- Daddy can also do hair and is very capable at singing group, swimming and art class
- If the carpet does not get vacuumed and the floors don't get mopped in a week the world will not end
- Be present in the moment, do what makes your children happy (even if that means re-enacting 'let is go' from the movie Frozen 100 times) and look for opportunities to make memories with them. Quality time far outweighs quantity
- You are enough

Mother's guilt is only natural and is the consequence of wanting to be a good mother to your children. However, in the end it will only weigh you down. It is time as mothers that we are kinder to ourselves and to each other and realise that we do our best in the circumstances that we find ourselves in and this is in fact enough.

So here is my letter to working mothers

Dear Working Mother,

You are doing a great job. And your kids will turn out just fine. Try to give yourself a break.

 Truly.

Grace xx

  (Evening of girl time at the pool)

Any which way but out!

This weekend our little family went on an adventure to Melbourne to celebrate the birthday of Mr A. We held high hopes for the first 'mini holiday' for our family of four as it gave us an opportunity to visit a city we love and create memories as a family.

Being the organiser I felt some pressure (self enforced) to create the "perfect mini break". In reflection the idea of "perfect" is pretty ridiculous as life is unpredictable and often you can be thrown a curve ball out of your control which you can either let hit you and get disappointed by  or instead become adaptable to and laugh about. I think it is these such occasions or imperfections that make family holidays great and what will be remembered for years to come.

Yes we did have a few epic fails;
- Thinking we were off to the Carlton Football Club Family Day (anyone who knows my husband will know the importance of this occasion) only to find out the day before that the event had been rescheduled for the following weekend
-  Surely a single room would provide ample space for our little family, right?!? Wrong!  Being under house arrest due to a clever 2 year old who decided she wanted to make the most of the experience and in fact didn't feel that sleep was necessary
- A tram ride at peak time into the city resembling how sardines must feel in a can.

However it would be remise of me not to list our wonderful successes;

- Melbourne Zoo was a major HIT even with the drizzle and impending thunder storms. Adella was quite taken with her new pink umbrella and oversized rain coat. Who knew it is very difficult to find wet weather gear in January- Melbourne four seasons in one day?
- Drinking cold ciders and people watching on valentine's day
- Adella wishing Mr A 'Happy Birthday' and breaking out into song with gusto at the drop of a hat. got to love her enthusiasm
- Taking a detour off the beaten track on the way home and visiting Brookfield Maze. http://brookfieldmaze.com.au/

Brookfield Maze is located at Myrrhee, North East Victoria, nestled in the foothills of the King Valley gourmet food and wine region uniquely situated alongside the picturesque Fifteen Mile creek.            

The Brookfield Maze is a traditional puzzle hedge maze with the object being to find the centre and reach the viewing platform.

To be honest we hadn't really thought it threw. How difficult could a maze be with two small children? (one in a pram and one who is notorious for running off) Surely there will be a map or a cheat sheet.

I was reminded that a cheat sheet would defeat the purpose of the whole experience and I needed to take the feeling of complete disorientation in my stride. We pressed on through rows and rows of perfectly manicured hedges, many dead ends, a toilet stop and finally after what seemed like an eternity we reached the viewing platform! What an achievement!  Mr A later recalled his humour as he could see my blood boiling, believing that I would throw the towel in at any minute. "Just tell people we made it" he thought I would say. But thankfully we did. What was the best accomplishment was not the view from the platform, but the smile on sweaty miss Adella's face as she skipped to the car and fell asleep shortly after for the rest of the journey home.

Definitely a birthday Mr A will not forget in a hurry....


X Grace

 

 

 

 

Sorry Mummy......

I think having children has changed me. I know that is not really a surprising or profound observation but rather an acknowledgement of the journey I have been on over the past 2 and a bit years.

I remember as we were eagerly awaiting the arrival of our daughter Adella, Adam and I would regularly chat about the type of parents we wanted to be,  the hopes we had for our children and the values we wanted to bestow upon them.

I began writing letters to Adella during this period and recently reflected on how I felt at the time. As I reread my initial words to my unborn daughter the sentiment still rang true;

-I hope that you will always feel loved and cherished for who you are and your uniqueness is celebrated
-I hope that you will have the confidence to be true to yourself and the conviction to do what you know is right
- Never be afraid to dream big, never hide your uniqueness and always be brave enough to try

Over two years has passed since we welcomed vivacious Adella into the world and in a short time she has made quite an impression on all whom she comes into contact with. She exudes joy, goes to the beat of her own drum and has no fear.

She is fiercely independent, believes she CAN do all this  and at times this can lead to much frustration,  (both for Adella and myself), she is the protector of her brother and at times kills him with kindness and love.

Not a day goes by when she hasn't made us laugh, given us cause for a heart attack or a reason to pull our hair out but we wouldn't have it any other way.

Recently though I was challenge by something she said . Two little words that had such a profound impact on me that I was left feeling exposed and needing to make some changes.

Adella had been happily playing in the garden when out of the blue she looked up at me with her compassionate eyes and sweetly said "Sorry Mummy"...... This shocked me as she had not done anything that warranted an apology, nor was I quite sure why she felt she needed to ask for my forgiveness.

I had not heard her  mutter those words ever and began to wonder where she had picked them up from. I pondered this for only a few moments and then it hit me.... Adella was modelling off one of the most significant people in her life.... Her Mummy.... Me.

This caused me to reflect:

I have always been a bit of a nervy person and can attribute this probably to caring or feeling too much. I can identify aspects of myself as a child in Adella, I too loved life and was quite silly, I had moments of over confidence but also held a bit of anxiety which I unfortunately have carried through. I had a tendency to be a bit clumsy and felt the need to routinely apologise in case I messed up or broke something, I never wanted to get anyone upset, or let anyone down and felt that things out of my control were perhaps my fault. Upon reflection as an adult I can remember times that I apologised for things that now seem ridiculous and somewhat humorous, even one day apologising for the weather..... I wouldn't put it past me if I have subconsciously apologised for breathing.

However this was no longer about how it had affected me, but how now it would have an impact on my precious one and her interactions with others if I didn't take some serious action.
Now was the time to stop apologising and start living.... If not for me but for her.. I want her to take life with both hands and not be limited in any capacity. I want her to feel nurtured and have no need to unnecessarily  feel the need to apologise for things that are not in her control or her worry.

 I am thankful for this opportunity for reflection but know that this path called "parenthood" will be littered with similar learning curves and sometimes challenging pot holes that will make me reflect, at times question my own beliefs actions, but provide me opportunities to change.. If not initially for myself but for her.

As I return to my original letter to my unborn daughter it ends...

"May I have the strength and ability to guide you, nurture your strengths, comfort you in times of trouble and be the role model that you need me to be. Know, I will always give you my best. "

x Grace