Versions of Me

 Much has happened since my last post. Funny That...

 I recently reintroduced myself to the world of One Retro Mummy page after a long period of neglect and re-lived all her highs and lows, triumphs and laughable failures. What struck me the most was although I had not forgotten those moments, I felt in a way I was looking into the mirror of someone I no longer fully recognised. A different versions of me.

Not a better or worse version, just different....

Funny how time does that.

My children have grown, Wild Heart is now 5 years old... full of wonder and excitement about the prospect of starting a new chapter in her life next year called Kindergarten. She loves fiercely, feels intensely and is training to be the next Karate Kid.

Blonde Hair Viking with a chipped tooth aka "the silent assassin"  is 3.5 years old.... He loves his mummy, getting into mischief, collecting worms and his favourite bedtime story is The Women's Weekly Cookbook.

My little Wildling is 18 months old. She will conquer the world by her 2nd Birthday. With no fear, a bucket full of sass and a take no prisoners attitude, her dad and I feel confident she will be the one who will give us a run for our money.


At the beginning of the year I came across a song which really spoke to where I am at. Funnily enough it was called "Versions of Me". 

Hey meet the versions of me, not sure which I'm supposed to be
A daughter a mother, a lover, a friend
I don't how to be 'em all yet.
Tell me how to survive, can I be them at the same time
Hey meet the versions of me, not sure which I'm supposed to be
But I'm learning every day that each me is ok

Sometimes I try so hard I gotta be perfect
I climb I fall and break haven't I learned it
That's it's alright If I'm not alright
Taking it one day at a time
I'm fine with every single version of me
Spent time wondering why, who I am doesn't seem to be right
Too loud, too smart, too big, too bright
Defined through someone else's eyes.
Gotta find my own stride, gotta find it on the inside
Hey meet the versions of me, we get along and we disagree
But I'm learning every day that each me is ok
 
Bending in a million ways
Pulling till ends are frayed
I'm unravelled I'm ok
It's ok
I won't break
Sometimes I try so hard I gotta be perfect
I climb I fall and break haven't I learned it
That's it's alright If I'm not alright
Taking it one day at a time
I'm fine with every single version of me

Recently I took the kids on a day trip to a lovely old town called Chiltern. During this visit at the request of my little fella, we found ourselves exploring an old junk shop, scouring the boxes of bottles, spare parts, odds and ends for personal treasures. My little Wildling Eleanor clearly did not share the same passion for this activity as her siblings however found great delight waving and blowing kisses to the elderly gentleman "Ned" who owned the store and was sitting at the entrance reading his paper. The gentleman began to return air kisses and laugh hysterically with a noticeable twinkle in his eye. Introductions were made and we shared an unexpectantly meaningful interaction covering multiple areas of life, finding meaning and the importance of family. When exiting he gave a simple farewell followed by a statement which held much meaning. " You have beautiful chaos there, the best time of your life. Cherish it because one day it will be a distant memory".

So in closing I will say this,

Do I have it more together... No
Have I worked out how to have the perfect balance between work/life? No
Am I less sleep deprived? No
Has looking after 3 little people got much easier? No

But the lesson that I have learnt is this "Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful".  I am learning each day that each version of me is ok. More than ok.

I will continue to share my stories on this page with honesty, humour and reflection. The highs, lows, frustrations and joys in all their glory.. For in sharing our stories we are able to connect with each other and bring greater meaning to this funny thing called life.

X Grace

I'll let you in on a little secret.... Parenting sucks a lot of the time!

 

 

 

 

Wine is in hand, kids have been gifted with an early bed time and I feel it is time to time speak some truth. No instagram filters, no photo shop, no gloss.

 

A LOT of the time parenting sucks. It is seriously time we were open about this.

Parenting can be brutal. There are real moments where you could be forgiven for mistaking parenting with a really shit job because the features are quite similar. Overworked, no overtime or on call fee, no lunch break, no sick leave, persistent annoying colleagues, minimal recognition, professional development or opportunities for self care. Essentially rotating shift work that never ends.

 

Rest assured, I adore my children and feel very blessed to have them in my world, I have a loving and supportive husband and have a relatively optimistic view of the world. But I feel that as mother's we feel the need to give our reality a social media makeover with extra filters and gloss in order to fit in, to bypass judgement from others, mother's guilt or feeling like a failure. Often due to the negative not being spoken about you can feel like a shit parent, think that everyone else is 'doing' parenting better and begin to doubt your own ability.

 

Why is this? Why is it that in a world where more of my friends  are parents than not, are we all pretending to each other that it’s high fives, cuddles and sweet dreams 24/7? Why do we only share pictures and stories of the glory and none of the hell?

 

It’s not all tears in my wine glass; parenting is also awesome and no parent I know would give back their child, but being in charge of a baby is the hardest thing on the face of the planet.

 

It is not the actual tasks involved in parenting that make it so hard; it’s the absolutely exhausting sleep deprivation that sends you totally insane, and the monotony, and the seemingly unending, repetitious feeding/changing/getting baby to sleep, whinging, toddler tantrums and the realisation that your own needs are so far down the list, and the sadness and futility and depression that this is your life now.

It would be nice if a truer experience of parenting were spoken about publicly. How come none of the books  I read or classes I attended told me to prepare for insanity, emotional rollercoaster or feelings of despair?   And how come they didn’t say that this was normal?

It can be so incredibly isolating when you have kids. People think you are too busy to hang out, but really you are just a slave to these little dictators and their sleeping routines! Personally I no longer know what it is like to relax, or sit in silence as my recently developed  supersonic hearing prevents me from missing a beat.

There’s a loss of identity that comes with parenting: if you are a person who has/had a career that you are interested in continuing, how do you manage that? How do you ‘stay in the game’ without compromising your children/marriage? If you consider going back to work you can be seen as 'too career focussed' and neglectful however if at home you can often feel past it or reached an expiry date professionally.

How do you manage childcare/work/life balance? These are genuine questions that I have grappled with and I know many other mums and dads have too.

By no means am I trying to say that my lot is better or worse than anyone else’s life; I’m trying to say that everyone does it tough with young kids, but never in a million years would I trade my children (however sometimes an auction on ebay is tempting).

So to all of you who are feeling alone and imagining that everyone else is having the time of their lives, think again! We’re all in this together! It is ok to fantasize about running away with the circus, locking yourself in the bathroom with a bottle of wine or aimlessly walk around the supermarket purchasing utter crap to make yourself feel better. Do whatever you need to do to feel reassured, encouraged and not lose your mind.

In light of R U OK day, Here’s an idea: let’s talk openly about the highs AND the lows. Feel free to share something, anything. Go on. It might make you, me, or someone else feel better.

X Grace